Breaking up with Politics

Hey Politics,

You’re probably wondering why I’ve been so distant lately. Your email made me really sad, especially the part about you laying in bed all day, depressed, listening only to Taylor Swift, John Mayer, and Taylor Swift’s song about John Mayer.  I owe you an explanation.

Look, we had some great times.  I’ll never forget when I first met you in Elementary School and you introduced me to the Constitution, the balance of powers, and Michael Dukakis.  I had a great time learning how to debate with you and my friends.  I’ll never forget when we watched Obama’s speech on election night and I thought it might be the beginning of a wonderful new phase in our relationship.  Sure, you probably had some issues during those times that I didn’t realize, but it didn’t matter.  We were young and I was in love with you.

But things have changed, Politics, and I don’t think we should see each other anymore.  Is it possible that I get drunk, strike out at the bars, and text you at 2 am in the near future? Sure.  Will that happen this weekend?  Probably. But otherwise, I think its best we take some time apart.

The past few months things have been bad.  The other day I made one little joke:

And you completely flipped out at me.  Spike Lee even tweeted my address to his angry followers. When did things get so bad we couldn’t laugh together?

I’ve been in your shoes before, and I know it’s not easy.  I understand you have a lot of questions, but let’s not play that game ok?  I don’t want to have a three hour conversation telling you half truths trying not to hurt your feelings.  I’m just going to be honest with you.

It’s not me, Politics, it’s you.

We keep having the same fights over and over again.

But when most people are working harder for less; when others cannot work at all; when the cost of health care devastates families and threatens to bankrupt our enterprises, great and small; when the fear of crime robs law-abiding citizens of their freedom; and when millions of poor children cannot even imagine the lives we are calling them to lead, we have not made change our friend.

That was Bill Clinton in 1992.  1992!  That was 20 years ago and when I get home from work I hear the exact same shit from you today.  How about the energy debate?

Large amounts of oil and natural gas lay beneath our land and off our shores, untouched because the present administration seems to believe the American people would rather see more regulation, taxes and controls than more energy.

Coal offers great potential. So does nuclear energy produced under rigorous safety standards. It could supply electricity for thousands of industries and millions of jobs and homes. It must not be thwarted by a tiny minority opposed to economic growth which often finds friendly ears in regulatory agencies for its obstructionist campaigns.

That was Ronald Reagan in 1980, over 30 years ago. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cook dinner in the kitchen and then hang myself .

I realized you just keep recycling the same old crap with the only intention of getting me fired up so I’ll go the polls and watch your crappy television shows.  It’s sick and dysfunctional. And now we’re fighting about birth control again?  We barely even make love any more, but there’s no f*cking way I’m going back to using condoms ok?

I can’t stand how you get upset about everything.

The other day some woman I’ve never heard of named Hillary Rosen said Ann Romney had “Never worked a day in her life” and you went absolutely bat shit crazy about it.  Are you serious?  You say that EXACT same thing about your Cousin Samantha every time we leave Thanksgiving dinner.  Were you really that outraged?  You acted like she went on a national program and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” and told her she should make a sex tape so we could all watch it.  oh yeah….KIND OF LIKE YOUR FAT ASS FRIEND RUSH DID.

You act like a child, at best.

After Hillary Rosen’s comments, the fake outrage that followed, and then the reverse outrage about the fake outrage, resident slimeball Bill Maher chimed in with “What she meant to say, I think, was that Ann Romney has never gotten her ass out of the house to work.”  This set off a “twitter shitshow”, commonly referred to as a “Twitshow” (or what I like to call, a “Shitter”).

This is two assholes arguing like little school children about who should apologize for what.

It’s also the two guys running the campaigns for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

This is literally the pinnacle of political discourse in this country and it resembles a fight between 6-year-olds.  It personifies everything that is wrong with our relationship, Politics, and I can’t take it anymore.

Ending a relationship always needs a catalyst.  I’ve been miserable with you for awhile…but yeah..I met someone new.  I was out at Dorrian’s on Thursday night and I had a few too many drinks. “Call me Maybe” came on and someone attractive came over and I was like “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy” and then things just got crazy on the dance floor, maybe. I’m not even sorry about it.

So please don’t call me ok?  You may call me shallow but I’m going to spend the summer with the Knicks and the Yankees and enjoying some me time.  If you hit the gym for the next few months and put on a good show at the debates, maybe I’ll call you in September.




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